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5 Best Albuquerque Limousine Services

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Albuquerque, NM 87106

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Albuquerque LX Limo is a premier limo transportation service located in Albuquerque, NM and serving the suburbs surrounding this city as well. This limo rental company strives to deliver timely, courteous and affordable services for many occasions including airport transportation, business functions, weddings, a night out in town, or any special event. A full range of vehicles is readily available to meet the needs of clients at Albuquerque LX Limo. They offer newer models of vehicles that are maintained and operated by professional and well-mannered drivers trained in the art of customer service. Albuquerque LX Limo takes pride in their commitment to providing personal and professional service, making them one of the best choices in their location and beyond.

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1220 4th St NW, Albuquerque, NM 87102

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All American Limo Inc. has provided Albuquerque with a full range of limousine and shuttle services for more than 22 years. The company's limousine services include luxury transportation for corporate executives and film industry celebrities. It also delivers white glove personal airport transportation as well as private special event and Balloon Fiesta excursions. All American Limo's chauffeurs are professionally trained for all types of events. The company also offers airport shuttle services as well as sprinter van and bus accommodations.

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Albuquerque, NM 87105

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Limo 505 is a premier limousine and transportation service located in Albuquerque, NM and serving its neighboring counties as well. Prospective customers and executives can call this service provider if they are in need of limousine and airport transportation and Hummer limo rental, among others. Limo 505 has a wide variety of beautiful and choice vehicles for most any occasion. They are available for weddings, bachelor and bachelorette parties, airport transfers, quinceaneras, and almost any endeavor. Customers can also reserve a large fleet of luxury vehicles for rent at Limo 505 including stretched limousines, executive sedans, coaches, ultra-stretch limousines, and party buses. Limo rental packages are available as well in addition to other customized specials. Limo 505 makes every effort to reflect their pride in the superior quality and efficient services that they deliver.

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Albuquerque, NM 87101

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Limo Bus Albuquerque is a renowned limo bus rental company located in Albuquerque, NM and serving the suburbs surrounding this city as well. This company provides a diverse selection of transportation for many types of events. Luxury limo buses utilized by Limo Bus Albuquerque are of a high-quality and designed with beautiful interiors. Guests are provided with all they need to have a memorable time. Various events and occasions are catered to by this company, whether customers want to go around town in style, or pick up their clients from the airport in style. Customers can enjoy themselves because of the courteous, prompt and professional drivers that have been trained to render excellent customer service.

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Albuquerque, NM 87195

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Premier Limousines Inc. is a renowned family-owned and operated limousine and sedan transportation service in Albuquerque, NM and its neighboring suburbs. Their top concern is to help their clients create lasting and meaningful memories through their reputation as being more than just a limo rental service business. Premier Limousines Inc. offers their best comfort and style to bring a special feeling to whatever occasion their clients are celebrating, such as a prom, a first date, a wedding, or an anniversary. The fleet of luxury vehicles utilized by this company includes the newer models of two super-stretch limousines, two sedans, and a Navigator Sports Utility Vehicle. Premier Limousines Inc. takes pride in the quality and professional services that they offer as they provide their clients with clean, safe, and superior quality rides.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q: How can I learn to drive like a chauffeur?

A: Specific training is not required to learn to drive like a chauffeur, however many chauffeurs invest in defensive driving courses. Defensive courses teach drivers how to react quickly to potential hazards on the road, such as careless drivers, unforeseen weather conditions, and roadblocks.

Q: What do chauffeurs wear?

A: Professional chauffeurs are often required to wear uniforms that range from professionally tailored suits to elegant tuxedos complete with tails and white gloves, depending on their specific assignments. Chauffeurs also wear professional caps that are usually black in color and feature shiny black brims.

Q: How much do chauffeurs make?

A: On average, chauffeurs make between $14 and $20 per hour. However, rates can vary greatly depending on factors, such as additional tips, specific types of chauffeur services provided, and pay rate agreements between drivers and private parties. For example, corporate chauffeurs may be on payroll, and private chauffeurs may earn higher wages if their services are required on a daily basis.

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5 Best Limo Hire in Albuquerque, NM

Home Albuquerque, NM 5 Best Limo Hire in Albuquerque, NM

Albuquerque’s Best Limo Hire:

American Limo Inc

Party Bus Albuquerque

Elegance Limousine LLC

All City Limousines

El Paso – Los Angeles Limousine Express, Inc.

The top rated Limo Hire in Albuquerque, NM are:

  • American Limo Inc – provides the finest in limo service, buses, and car services in Albuquerque
  • Party Bus Albuquerque – is a premier provider of party bus and limo services in Albuquerque
  • Elegance Limousine LLC – provides the best limousine and car services in Albuquerque
  • All City Limousines – is a professional transportation company that provides the best transport services throughout Albuquerque
  • El Paso – Los Angeles Limousine Express, Inc. – provides a quality trip with the best people and at a low cost

American Limo Inc

American Limo Inc offers the best limo, bus, and automobile services. To meet your demands and encourage experience, they designed the most professional transportation service, private car service, and limo rental in New Mexico. They provide the best in New Mexico transportation and ABQ shuttle services with over 20 SUVs, town cars, busses, and limos. They’ll make sure they’re there for you when you arrive or get you to your flight on time and in style with the help of one of their skilled dispatch agents.

All American Limo Inc. has an unparalleled fleet of immaculate, fully stocked stretch limousines. Their limo service company will chauffeur you to your destination in comfort and style while keeping your safety in mind. When you rent a limousine from them, you can rest assured that it will be in excellent condition and will be chauffeured by a polite and courteous limo driver who will always keep your safety in mind.

Products/Services:

Limo Rental, Transportation Service, Private Car Service

LOCATION:

Address: 1220 4th St NW, Albuquerque, NM 87102
Phone: (505) 877-7576
Website: www.americanlimosabq.com

REVIEWS:

“We recently hired American Limo to provide shuttle service between a local hotel and the event venue for my daughter’s wedding. The point of contact, Steve, was knowledgeable and personable in helping us determine details of the service we would need. Pricing was more than fair and our shuttle driver the night of the event, Max, was good-natured and flexible. This was one of the facets of our wedding planning we felt unsure about, but Steve simplified the process and made it easy and cost-effective.” – Melinda D.

Party Bus Albuquerque

Party Bus Albuquerque is a leading provider of limo and party bus services. The Albuquerque Party Bus is the transportation method to use if you want to attend those events in style in Albuquerque, which has a wide range of activities and ways to spend free time. You can get to all of those key occasions with the Albuquerque New Mexico Party Bus. Limo Busses in Albuquerque are now reasonably priced and have all of the amenities you’d expect from a club. Furthermore, you are able to bring any legal beverage on board, so you won’t have to deal with issues like when a bartender says he only has been in a club.

Products/Services:

Airport Transportation, Bachelor Party, Bachelorette Party, Birthday Party, Charter Bus, Kids Party, Prom & Homecoming, Wedding Transportation

LOCATION:

Address: 6350 Eubank Blvd NE, Albuquerque, NM 87111
Phone: (505) 217-9622
Website: www.partybusalbuquerque.com

REVIEWS:

“Party Bus Albuquerque Limo did an amazing job helping me find a mini bus rental for our corporate outing. We needed to shuttle over 50 employees from airports to hotels, and to a nearby venue. Party Bus Albuquerque Limo helped set up the perfect plan for everyone to arrive and get dropped off at the perfect times. ” – Michal K.

Elegance Limousine LLC

Elegance Limousine LLC delivers the best limousine and automobile services. At a reasonable cost, they offer high-end vehicles and excellent customer service. Albuquerque’s top transportation service and limousines are provided by Elegance Limousines, LLC. They make every effort to provide the most dependable and comfortable limos and automobiles Albuquerque and the neighboring areas have to offer. They are constantly striving to be the best limo service in Albuquerque.

Because of a mix of premium transportation services, years of experience, a passion for what they do, and unrivaled customer care, Elegance Limousines, LLC has swiftly become one of the top premier car and limousine services in Albuquerque and the surrounding areas.

Products/Services:

Limousine and Car Services

LOCATION:

Address: 500 Marquette Ave NW Suite 1200 – #15, Albuquerque, NM 87102
Phone: (505) 918-8002
Website: www. elegancelimosnm.com

REVIEWS:

“This was a last-minute decision to get a limo for my son’s birthday. They made everything perfect. Drove to school, waited in the school pick-up line, and took the boys to ice cream. What a memorable experience. I will definitely use this company again and highly recommend it. Limo driver was extremely professional and the limo was spotless.” – Sunie H.

All City Limousines

All City Limousines is a reputable transportation business in Albuquerque that offers the best in service. They are committed to providing safe transportation while you have fun and enjoy your party in Albuquerque, NM. They are a company committed to providing safe transportation while you enjoy your party and do not worry about anything else. They have a limousine service, party bus service, and an SUV Yukon.

Products/Services:

Limousine Services

LOCATION:

Address: 3911 Central Ave NW Suite A Albuquerque, NM 87105
Phone: (505) 417-5565
Website: www. all-city-limousines.business.site

REVIEWS:

“We rented the Hummer. For my Twins 18th Birthday last night. It was so fun. My daughters were so happy. They had the most fun. We definitely will do this again. The owners are so nice. If you are looking for a limo service we recommend them for sure. Thank you for making our daughter’s Bday the best night ever.” – Alishia G.

El Paso – Los Angeles Limousine Express, Inc.

El Paso-Los Angeles Limousine Express, Inc. offers low-cost, high-quality travel with the greatest staff. EPLA Limo began in 1966 with five vans that transported Spanish-speaking customers from El Paso, Texas, to Los Angeles, California. Over the years, the company has expanded by recreating itself from its humble beginnings. EPLA Limo began collaborating with Limousines de México, a Mexican bus operator, in 1981. The services complemented one another, resulting in a growth in the number of passengers and the number of limousines in the EPLA fleet, which now stands at 48. Limousine Express is redefining the way they do business once more today. Welcome to the new fleet for 2020, as well as the staff of over 150 people who will be serving more than 40 locations.

Products/Services:

Limousine Services

LOCATION:

Address: 3540 Pan American Fwy NE STE F, Albuquerque, NM 87107
Phone: (505) 247-8036
Website: www.eplalimo.com

REVIEWS:

“As always this is the bus line to travel without a doubt. A better class of people family people ride this bus., The staff is no-nonsense to get it done. Very helpful and professional. And unlike Grayhound this line is as close to on schedule as they can get.” – Maria T.

Mark has lived in Detroit, MI his whole life. He has worked as a journalist for nearly a decade having contributed to several large publications including the Yahoo News and True Dakotan. As a journalist for Kev’s Best, Mark covers national and local businesses.

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best (general issue) :: All days of September 2013

All days of September 2013

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

When we finally can afford to have children, we already have grandchildren.
"Pshekrui"

09/23/2013, Other new jokes

The financier and billionaire George Soros, at the age of 83, tired of offers, bred, married a saleswoman of dietary supplements, now the family budget is reliably protected.

7

okepka

09/23/2013, cartoons

Tourism

7

Dalpolo Paolo

09/23/2013, the remaining new jokes

I propose instead of the current show "Guess the Melody" and "New Adventures of the Putler" (News)
Spin the show -"Guess" Guess who in Russia is Bo Xilai". I am sure the show will be a success
throughout the 21st century.

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

On a dark night, a monk walks down the street. Suddenly he sees a bridge nearby, and a girl is standing on the railing of the bridge. The river rages below. The monk quickly takes out a wallet, a marker and writes on the wallet: "DO NOT" and throws the wallet. The purse falls next to the girl, she gets off the railing, takes the purse and runs away.
The next day, in the evening, near the church where the monk serves, a luxurious limousine stops, the same girl gets out of the car, takes out a suitcase from the trunk and goes to the church. There she finds a monk and gives him the suitcase. The monk opens the suitcase - there are two million dollars.
- ?
- This is your share, holy father.
- !?
- Well, yes. "Don't" won the race today.

09/23/2013, New stories - main issue

Inspired: "At first, Andryukha and I were very surprised - well, why would they watch some kind of movie, not only not understanding the language, but not even understanding - what kind of language is it?
And then it dawned on us - cinema, after all, it is cinema in Panama, when it is really a real cinema and if you look closely, you can understand without words, fall in love and begin to worry about the lone hero Danila Bagrov"

I had So, when my Russian fellow traveler and I were traveling by bus across New Mexico from Santa Fe to Albuquerque, the journey took several hours, it was late, it was dark outside, you couldn’t enjoy the scenery much, I turned on the laptop, which had the comedy Fedot the archer", the version where Andrei Myagkov plays the role of the tsar. I stuck the headphones in, gave one "ear" to a fellow traveler, the second to myself, we go, we watch a movie.
The interior is dark, except for my 14-inch screen. The people on the bus (except us) seemed to be dozing (the bus was half empty, there were only 15 people on the way). And we silently watched the movie, except for a little giggling in the right places. Until in some particularly funny place they heard loud American laughter behind their backs. Apparently, the people pulled themselves into the seats behind us, because. there was no other entertainment on the bus, and people noticed that we were giggling. But in the dark, we did not notice this for the time being, so we were a little stunned, we will see how half of the passengers of the American bus, it turns out, are sitting behind us in a dark bus and carefully watching a Russian comedy WITHOUT SOUND.
And they laugh at the same time, mostly - in the right places!
We were both shocked and embarrassed, and a little proud of the domestic film production. ..

09/23/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

09/23/2013, caricatures

Brothers in mind

8

Shilov Vyacheslav

09/23/2013, the remaining new jokes

Wife to husband:
- last night I dreamed that I had sex simultaneously with Ostap Bender, Domomovo Kuzey and some unfamiliar woman named Chlamydia Kondratievna. If you, you bastard, and today declare to me that you are tired at work, you are fucked.

09/23/2013, New stories - main issue

Another semi-amateur trophy orienteering competition is going on *
* (in short - adult uncles and aunts must find to fit their 4x4 car to the given points, which must also be found using a little thing like GPS - a guidebook, close enough, so Schaub could get the mark (point) with one hand and touch your wagon with the other hand), under the comments from the paparazzi - how beautiful it is to stand up).

And so from the second pass we find the point . The point, according to the legend, is a stump in the water - everything converges and the number too) and a pond. The coast is steep, the depth is over the ovary, but this time you don’t have to hit the car with all the wheels. Under careful supervision, the pilot taxis to the place - the bumper is hidden under the water surface - and .. the photo session - the point is taken.
Another carriage drives up, plops its ass into the pool next to it .. and also a photo session.

At this time we are trying to leave, but it doesn't work right away. The neighboring crew was in the same position. While their navigator was looking for something to fawn over, we heroically worked with shovels and using everything that came to hand, putting documents and equipment into the voyage, listening to their pilot's banter:
- Well, guys, push yourself, let's, let's ...
- Well more, more more...
- Oh oh oh mother won't let such dirty little ones go home...
- Be careful, otherwise it will smell bad in the cabin later . .
- .....
.... and so on for at least ten minutes. Damn, even in a tired state, I really wanted to stamp him with a shovel.

However, we were able to push the car ashore with our very strong force.
Immediately their navigator runs up, who has already understood that there is nothing to cling to in the field:
- Guys, can I catch on to you ???

- Of course, cling to....

A jeeper is a friend to a jeeper.

9

PAST77

09/23/2013, cartoons

CROX

Somnambula

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - the main release

Each time I accidentally see Indian cinema, I ask a question: in India, a separator of children -crust Is it a hobby or is there such a profession?

cinema

09/23/2013, New stories - main release

time of action 2009 autumn 21-00
scene Donetsk wine glass bunker (Lenin Square city center)
2 of my buddies Phantom and TNT are celebrating the day of faceted glass in this same wine glass
well, they have already celebrated well and crawl out into the street to smoke (no smoking there)
after a cigarette, the question becomes an edge about draining an n-th amount of liquid from the radiator)) )))
there is a functioning toilet in the bunker (but it doesn’t reach a little tired guys)
therefore the question is decided radically to be or not to be)))
a tree is chosen as a target not far from the place
2 of these eagles stand under it and start water it (to grow thicker . ... willow tree but not visible in the dark)
but to the surprise of these gentlemen, this tree turns and the inscription BERKUT is visible on the chest of this tree ... oops
the tree picks up roots and begins to conduct a preventive conversation with these gentlemen with these roots)))))
morality have a good reaction ... because I grabbed it once, but the second got it from the heart))))))

10

VERVOF

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - the main issue

The art teacher asks Vovochka:
- What will you draw?
Little Johnny answers, pointing to a white sheet:
- Well, I'll paint it black here, I'll paint it blue here, and here I'm fucking green!!!
The teacher faints...
Everyone is called to the director about the situation at the lesson.
Director:
- What happened?
Vovochka:
- They asked me what I would draw, I answered: well, I'll paint it black here, I'll paint it blue here, and here I'm fucking green!!!
The teacher faints again. ..
Principal:
- Don't you see, green sucks, fuck red!

Vovochka

09/23/2013, Other new jokes

Something about the logic of the opposition:
"Putin and Kabaeva? - fuuuu!!! he is a 60-year-old man"
"Soros is getting married at 83 - and well done is our idol! Man!"

10

La Casa

09/23/2013, Cartoons

from the photographer's phone

09/23/2013, New stories - main issue

- Do you remember your pioneering oath?

I choked. I don't even remember how I got in. Clean. I still remember badges with curly Lenin, at 90's took souvenirs abroad. Explained to foreigners - baby Lenin.

- Remember. Come on: "Joining the ranks of the All-Union Pioneer Organization, in the face of my comrades..."

- I solemnly swear!

- No, I don't swear. It was there, I promise.

- Yes, probably. I promise to love my Motherland passionately... And then I still don’t remember anything.

But you know, because of the piece that I remembered, my whole life flew before my eyes, both abroad and again in Russia. This is probably how we are arranged - so many oaths and especially promises, but we remember only those that we fulfilled ...

09/23/2013, fresh jokes - the main issue of

Programmers after death get to hell and forever twist the handle of the mechanical arithmometer there ...

Programmer

11

Skeptic

09/23/2013, the remaining new jokes

New Russian proverb: The deputies lobbied, lobbied but did not lobby.

11

GreG

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue0003

husband and wife

23.09.2013, Other new jokes

Corruption news:
"In some regions, individual, particularly impudent and quick-witted businessmen, using Syria as a distraction, began to demand bribes from officials for transferring taxes from the profits received by them from orders received from these same officials as part of corruption and motivating their demands by the threat of dismissal of this official due to non-fulfillment of tax collection plans . .. "

23.09.2013, Other new jokes

"A day without a car" was invented so that people would not use private transport, but use public transport. And only in Russia on this day some bus routes are specifically canceled.
That's why all of Moscow costs more than usual!

13

lithium

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

- Come on, give me the diary! So-and-so, five - in mathematics, five - in Russian, five - in geography ... In a week, fifteen deuces in three subjects, idiot!

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

If a beautiful woman is wrong, she is wrong, but so cute! If an ugly woman is wrong, she’s also a fool to everything ...

girls

09/23/2013, Other new jokes from all subjects of management, climate, floods!
- Partners from China and Japan requested. They are closer to attack...

09/23/2013, Other new jokes

And you call this work? Yes, you have less efficiency than Sisyphus!

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

Channel "Culture" will never become awesome. ..

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

in Old Vasyuki.

09/23/2013, Other new jokes

In sex, whatever one may say, an erection is important...

09/23/2013, Other new jokes

-Listen, Pyatrovna, Ukraine has decided
to completely abandon Russian gas!
-Probably, padruga, they decided to develop their own
- for example, start cooking borscht on
peas!

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

Before sex partners help each other to undress.

After sex, each of them dresses himself.

So remember: after you are fucked, no one will help you.

sex

09/23/2013, Other new jokes economy.

- The middle class of Russia?
- Muscovites.
- Why are they so dissatisfied?
- Leningraders interfere.

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

Domestic loaders have noticed that the pianos sound very different on the upper floors of a house without an elevator than on the lower ones.

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

At the lesson of Russian literature at school, the teacher asks:
- Vovochka, why was the main character of N. Leskov's story called Lefty?
- Because he often went to the left, Marya Ivanovna.

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

- Honey, let's play a role-playing game, I will be a witch - turned into a sweet girl, and you are a prince.
- You don't even need to transform.

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

Teacher at the math lesson:
- Vovochka, now you count!
- One, two, three, four, five...
- Is that all? Can't you count?
- No, I only have 5 cm so far.

09/23/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

On the street, a guy meets a former classmate. She:
- Bear!!! Yes, you have not changed! What is your profession?
- Manager. And you?
- Mish, can I ask you one question? And you wanted me at school?!
- Well, it was...
- And now?
- Well. ..
- Come on!
- Yes!
- 3500 per hour, 3300 for you.

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

- Dear! Look how cool I was dressed in an Italian boutique!
- They didn't dress you, but undressed me!

1

Murcello

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

- Here, some say that there is racism in the phrase "Sobyanin is a reindeer herder" and in the collage with Obama and a banana!
- But, excuse me, there is no racism there, only humor!
- A pig will find dirt everywhere...

09/22/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

A person who wants to gain positive, most often goes over.

09/22/2013, Poems - main issue

Moral collapse is seen everywhere,
Playing the flute was banned
It's all the fault - the usual under-fuck ...
At least someone, fuck Mizulya!

09/22/2013, New stories - main issue

A friend told.
He started his career as a doctor. In purulent surgery, for a moment - not the sweetest position. Now he is an excellent sound engineer - these are the kind of knees fate sometimes writes out ...
As a novice doctor, he was sent to practice in a variety of and often very indecent places: for example, to the military registration and enlistment office. Check out the new recruits.
And so, he says, I'm sitting in one of the offices of the medical board, filling out some dull papers, and besides me, there is also a doctor in the room, a rather young woman who has a lousy job: a large group of athletes has arrived to be registered. But the fact is that many of them, much more often than non-sporting citizens, have such a misfortune as varicose veins in the groin area. As a result of hard training.
And so, he says, the picture is this: a strong, muscular guy comes in, lowers his shorts, and an aunt-doctor (well, about 25 years old, no more) with a displeased look, with a pencil, raises the “household” to the recruit, and is forced to carefully look there. One, the other, the third. .. They pass through her hands - sorry, a pencil - a person that way 5-6... I, he says, began to watch her. You can understand a woman - it's one thing with a beloved man like this in his own way and intently play with his accessories, and another - 10-15 pieces per hour, without any feelings, examine the genitals of various calibers. It's disgusting to say the least. Although, who knows, it's also probably useful for general development...
In general, she skips a big game, says - stop, they say, a break - flops into an armchair, not letting go of a pencil from her fingers, rolls her eyes with a martyred look, PUTS THE PENCIL INTO MOUTH, and starts to gnaw nervously. This was repeated three times. And then my friend broke into hysterical laughter, and he went to another office. Aunt, gloomily and surprised, looked after him...0003

09/22/2013, New stories - main release

Same tool.

I remember spring. The cats in the yard are yelling, there are no forces.
And my cat "sang".
I searched the Internet for a mating cat for her, everything is not right.
And then the sidekick says:
- Are you showing off? Tie her to a tree in the yard for the night, let whoever wants to fuck her!

09/22/2013, Other new jokes , scientists, it will not be easy. We will involve smart people from, by the way, the collapsed Academy of Sciences!"0003

09/22/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

What is worth getting married for:
for delicious borscht, prudence and a sense of humor.

09/22/2013, Poems - main issue

LIFE-GAME.
I'm sitting on a bad board
And I keep writing about the new life...
And life is new not by hearsay:
Someone - *uh! Someone - chips!

about life

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

I am very shy and bashful, although neither my husband nor others notice this in bed...

Girls

09/22/2013, caricatures

Luciano Spalletti, football coach

2

Shilov Vyacheslav

09/22/2013, new aphorisms and phrases - the main release

must pray when you are right.

3

BOSAR15

09/22/2013, the remaining new jokes

In all women in the status there is it "I DO NOT SHOULD" this is about the brain

3

09/22/2013, cartoons

Dentist's dream

3

Maxim Smagin

09/22/2013, New stories - main issue

The lock in the bathtub clicked just as the brother was coming out of it. Bottom line: we are all (me, brother, his girlfriend) outside, and the keys, ironically, are inside. Nothing to open. And everyone needs to wash. But we are advanced people - we sat down at the computers, watched videos on which peppy burglars show how to open the lock with two wires. Everything is elementary - the Internet does not lie!
Changing on a rotational basis every hour, we kept digging this fucking Chinese castle. At 2 o'clock in the morning, I offered to drill him out to some mother, but they didn't give me, they said that there were still options . ..
I slept badly, the pattern was not completed. Having jumped off in the morning, the first thing I ran to check the lock: the handle was torn out, the lining was torn apart, the broken parts lay in a pile nearby, the door was open! After washing up, coming out of the bath, I ran into my brother's girlfriend:
- I finished off the castle, - she told me.
- Why - I was surprised - in the morning I would quickly drill it out.
- You know, this is already a private matter, or rather it became personal ... by 6 in the morning, - she answered.

There are still girls in Russian villages:)

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

girls

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

In Dagestan, a policeman was fired after an accident in a Lexus.
The next day no one went on duty.

09/22/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

A wife is a true ally of a person. But not in the case of aggression on her part.

09/22/2013, New stories - main issue

1990th year.

Residents of Leningrad unanimously voted in favor of a bill returning historical names to cities, as a result, the city of Leningrad became St. Petersburg of the Leningrad Region. They were then supported by practically the entire country...

And only the inhabitants of Michurinsk, united front with the communists, fought to the end against the renaming...

And until now their city has not been renamed...

But they could restore such a beautiful historical name: "city of Kozlov".

4

LA CASA

09/22/2013, caricatures

Microphones

4

Kiiko Igor

09/22/2013, other new jokes

from xenophilia to zoofilia - one step.

22.09.2013, Other new jokes

Armenian Radio was asked the following question:
- Why is oil and gas stolen from Iraq and Libya called "shale" in the US?
Armenian radio answered:
- Yes, because they were obtained for the USA by bare-assed mercenaries shod in Vietnamese slates. ..

5

pangovnun

09/22/2013, New stories - main issue

I work in the field of advertising. For many years I have been collaborating with one talented copywriter. If anything, a copywriter is someone who writes advertising texts. A killer man, the only candidate of historical sciences from my environment who is not tired of writing texts for advertising products and any other rubbish. His name is Anton. But he has specific glitches ... This spring he made an order for me, agreed to meet so that he would take the fee. And I have guests from France, acquaintances of the wives by correspondence for a couple of days on a business trip came. Good guys, two guys, they speak excellent Russian. Well, Anton comes to the table, I sit down with us, we sit talking, I handed the envelope with money to Anton, everything was fine. The TV is on. Here is another piece of news about a homoparade that failed somewhere for some reason. And Anton casually remarks:
- In vain they didn't allow me, I would love to disperse him . ..
My Frenchmen got a little crazy. The conversation improved, that's it, "we drove through." But, apparently, the descendants of Napoleon had itching. Ten minutes later, one of the guests asks him:
- Do you support Putin's anti-gay laws?
Anton already hiccupped in surprise. He chewed it, swallowed it and said:
- Nope, I don't support it...
Now I'm swollen. The seas are burning, the forests are flowing. The French relaxed their faces. And then this parasite, without changing his face, continues:
- ...homosexuals are sick people. They need to create greenhouse conditions. In closed areas. So that no one interferes with life. So as not to be upset: no Internet, no television, no telephones, no correspondence. Suddenly someone gets nasty. Only a healthy lifestyle and clean ecology. Oymyakon, I think it will do.
And smiles good-good like that.
We ate in silence. I don’t know if the French have heard where it is - Oymyakon, but they didn’t start more topics about the protection of human rights until the end of the business trip.

gay

5

Rustam Mingazov

09/22/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

If your wife left you for another, it means that another has a wife. That is, the population of wives on Earth has not decreased.

husband and wife

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

Mankind will not be destroyed by artificial intelligence, but by natural stupidity.

ii

9/22/2013, Cartoons

Insomnia

5

Bogorad Victor

09/22/2013, New stories - main issue

TV, Channel One - News - Weather:
"Since the beginning of the year, 680 millimeters of precipitation fell in Moscow - almost 7 meters of rain."

Oh, and mathematicians: it's only 68 centimeters!

09/22/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

The best remedy for hiccups is a strong blow with a hammer next to the finger. The main thing is not to get in.

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

One parent, when asked what he could do for the school, replied: "Bring a criminal case!". For the next 11 years, the administration did not bother him with requests for financial assistance.

school

6

Tsvetik

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

-Call this simple four-digit number
and if we manage to transfer money from your phone
to our account ,
and not some piece of iron there, then you will get
what do you ask.

6

Andrey Bryansky

09/22/2013, cartoons

Parrots

6

Belozerov Sergey

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - the main release

wanted to leave a good impression of myself ... Left unforgettable!

girls

7

Mikrosha

09/22/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

Life is too short not to use it for its intended purpose.

09/22/2013, New stories - main issue

My ex-husband "boasted", saying that his new wife is much better than me (like he decided to joke). I joked that the best wives come from former prostitutes. He was offended, told his current wife ... Who knew that I would hit the mark.
P.S. I also found myself guilty. But no more calls!

husband and wife

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

- There are no Russians! - said Tina Kandelaki.
- Excuse me, what is your nationality? they asked her.
- I am Russian! - Tina said and wondered if she had blurted out something superfluous?

09/22/2013, caricatures

Noev Ark 1

7

Dalpolo Paolo

09/22/2013, new stories - the main release

Yesterday at work while the elevator was traveling, one colleague from the other was divided:
_ Draised her five-year-old for the weekend to the grandparents. She said not to give tangerines, since recently an allergy to them has manifested itself. I come to pick up - my swollen miracle.
- Did you eat tangerines? - I ask.
- Nooo...
- And who cleaned the tangerine?
- Grandfather.

09/22/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

Lack of beauty is not a hindrance to woman's foolishness.

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

Two Ukrainians are talking:

- Do you know that Steve Jobs was a Ukrainian?
- Why is that?
- And he liked to talk about apples: "What I don't eat, I bite!"

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

Tolerance is for the tolerant! That is why intolerant migrants from former colonies should not be allowed into Europe and Russia.

09/22/2013, Cartoons

Aviation failed

8

Valery Kanenkov

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - the main issue of foreign educational institutions

The government of Russia has compiled a list of educational institutions whose diplomas will be recognized without additional checks.
Whether diplomas from at least some Russian universities will be recognized without additional checks - nothing is known about this yet.

student

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

And how on the show "I want to use Viagra" Meladze has not yet said to anyone: "Forgive me for my answer . .."?

9

platov_alex

09/22/2013, New aphorisms and phrases - main issue

Unjust labor turns a person into a criminal; and wrong sex - into a libertine!

09/22/2013, Cartoons

Alice in Wonderland

09/22/2013, New Stories - Main Issue

I also witnessed this conversation on the bus yesterday. A mother was traveling with two children, a son of 3 years old and a daughter, 4-4.5 years old ... They go, indulge, and then the girl says: "Now, when we grow up, you will marry me!" Mom immediately replies: "You can't get married, you're brother and sister." A girl with such resentment in her voice: "And who will marry me? I don't want to marry my dad!" A man stands nearby: "What kind of creatures? Before they hatch, they are already in a hurry to hook someone up."

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

Russian Post sincerely congratulates Russians on the New Year 2013!

mail

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

When the "sphere of interest" has no intersections with the "plane of desires", then "fate" can nervously smoke on the sidelines.

09/22/2013, New stories - main issue

The story of one invention
The invention itself is not so complicated. For an inventor, this is just a rationalization proposal, a side effect of scientific activity. But the effect was very strong. Once over a cup of tea he told me. And I to you.
All this was a very long time ago, when computers were very large, input was exclusively through punched cards, and machine time was worth its weight in gold. But even then, the ideas of automating everything that had to be done manually dawned.
The essence of the invention. In scientific work, you constantly have to look for literature in your field. First, to make sure that no one else has solved this problem.
And secondly (most importantly), having become interested in one publication, I want to have at hand all the works on this topic. To do this, there is a list of used literature at the end of each publication. Those works also have their own bibliography. They also have a list. And so along the chain to the Old Testament, clinging to just one job.
However, this search will only find older works. How to find more recent ones?
And like this. We make the assumption that scientists are mainly engaged in the same direction in science. We take all the works of this author. Until today. This is where all the new work will come up. Then take all the works to which he referred. And those authors also go through to this day. And so with any nesting level. The essence of the method is to grab one berry and pull out the whole bunch of grapes.
Naturally, a bunch of UDC filters are applied, and other lotions to weed out garbage and make corrections for the wind. Those who manually had to go through this path will be able to set up the ideal algorithm.
There is little left to do. Storage. The main thing is to store not only all the works of the authors. But also links between them - which work refers to which. In mathematics, such knots with connections are called a graph. A family tree is a simple example of a graph. This is the method of storage that had to be introduced in serious literature repositories. And then - algorithms can be screwed up, Mom, don't worry.
The person who first came up with this idea went to Moscow to the Lenin Library. I contacted their automators. So they say and so. Give me a computer and six operators, and in a year you will have a convenient system of thematic search. They mocked him there. “We are working here in a big crowd in the sweat of our brow, we cannot do it, and then some upstart from Baku arrived, promising miracles.” Ehh ... In vain they did it.
The inventor returned to Baku. Began to look for a way to publish this method. Wrote a paper, described algorithms, methods of storage. The thing went. However, when the work came out, he was quietly stunned. For he turned out to be the fourth co-author, and even in the name they distorted one letter. The first was his immediate supervisor, the second was his graduate student. (Later on, the boss defended his doctoral thesis on this, and the graduate student defended his PhD). Describing the feelings of the main character, I think, is not worth it. Last straw. This was the end of his academic career. Although the doctoral work has already been written. He left as a director at the EC, where he was invited at that time. The best position, the best salary. And in the future, no impulses for the good of the motherland.
And this method began to live its own life. The Americans honestly bought, implemented, developed, automated, modernized. More used in a different perspective. They were interested in citation statistics. Predicted who will receive the Nobel Prize. After all, the more references to the work of this author, the more brilliant he is. In the USSR, the leader in terms of citation, as you might guess, was Lenin.
Citation index - now in America this is the main criterion for obtaining grants for scientific activities (which we do not have and are unlikely to have). Methods, of course, are modernized, improved, a lot of amendments are made to the wind. But at the heart of this index is the number of references to the work of the author. I remember the bewilderment of the guys after reading in the press that Russia's contribution to world science is 5% (I don't remember the exact figure, but something like that). Say, how and in what way this contribution is measured. And so here it is. For this index.
Now in America a separate institute is working on this - the Institute for Scientific Information in Philadelphia. Monitors, analyzes, collects statistics and sells the results. Including to Russia. To a country that once blew this invention. However, the reader is no longer surprised by this.
I am writing to clear my conscience, because now there is no one else to tell about the true author.

bahruz

09/22/2013, Caricatures

from the photographer's phone

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

Those who stopped believing in a fairy tale about a bright future turned out to be fabulously rich.

11

eccentric of Humiliated Tagil

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - the main issue

Like elections, like police, like a court, like a prime minister, like a country ... Ustin Dormidontych

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

2050. A school, somewhere in the European Union...

- Children, you have homework for tomorrow. Have sex with your pet! With a dog, a cat, a hamster, whoever has one ... You can with fish ... Whoever is not satisfied, I will give him an unsatisfactory rating!

09/22/2013, Fresh Jokes - Main Issue

How to Read Financial News:

Dollar Up - End, Catastrophe, CIA Conspiracy.
Dollar down - the end, the catastrophe, the FSB conspiracy.
The dollar has not changed - censorship, stagnation, the conspiracy of the Central Bank.

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

Surkov-boomerang, or "Here Niels has returned":
The circle of these functionaries is narrow, they are terribly far from retirement . ..

13

Ustin Dormidontych

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

Dad, dad, I am an unhealthy Family!

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

USE 2014, Mathematics, grade 11
“Valya, Zhenya, Sasha woke up in the morning in the same bed. Calculate how many of them are gay and how many are lesbians?

14

EPRSTEPRSTEPRST

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

7: "Waste paper and cardboard".

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

Announcement.
Urgently buy a car. Or a boat. It doesn't matter - just to get away from you to the fucking mother.

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

- Why don't you drink beer?
- I work at a brewery and I know what it is made of.

09/22/2013, Other new jokes

I don't understand, if I have the right to become a millionaire, why should I serve 10 years in prison for this?
© konde13

09/22/2013, Fresh jokes - main issue

If a unicorn wakes you up in the morning, the day will bring pleasant surprises.

601...700 • 701...800 • 801...900 • 901...1000 • ...

Special purpose garage. Daily life of the Kremlin under the presidents

Special purpose garage

The special purpose garage was established on January 5, 1921 by the decision of the Council of People's Commissars. Then it was headed by Lenin's personal driver, S. Gyl, and there were 62 cars parked here, not so few for that time. At 19In 22, Stalin's personal chauffeur P. Udalov became the head of the garage, who worked in this position until the death of his boss. In 1924, the garage began to serve other leaders of the state. Its employees took Stalin, Molotov and Voroshilov to the Tehran Conference (1943), Stalin, Churchill, Roosevelt and Molotov to the Yalta Conference (1945). Previously, the GON was a division of the 9th Directorate of the KGB, now it is an integral part of the Federal Security Service.

Although the Kremlin's fleet today numbers less than 150 cars, the GON is a huge economy, which includes not only cars and drivers, but also workshops where high-class mechanics work. Mercedes, ZILs, Volkswagens, Volvos, cars of other brands are parked here.

GON has always been distinguished by clear and well-coordinated work. Everyone should treat their business the way it is customary in the Special Purpose Garage. Huge preventive work is constantly being carried out here, and not only with cars. Drivers regularly train in driving and shooting. They know how to do tricks that stuntmen never dreamed of. After all, the safety of the movement of the president, the prime minister, the heads of power ministries, the Federal Assembly, members of the Constitutional and Arbitration Courts, as well as representatives of foreign states during their visits to Russia depends on them. According to my calculations, there are at least a hundred such visits a year. The garage serves the above-mentioned domestic statesmen during their foreign visits. Usually Gon's cars are distilled on the Il-7b aircraft.

The main requirement for a car in the GON is a high degree of active and passive safety. The appearance of "Mercedes" here is explained by the fact that this company has extensive experience in servicing the first persons of various states of the world. So in the Kremlin there is a warehouse of spare parts for these machines, and branded diagnostic equipment.

The garage for emergency exits is always half open. When the command arrives at the control room of the GON: “The cortege - to leave!” - The president's limousine, accompanied by three cars, takes off. The security chief sits next to the driver. After each trip, the presidential car is washed by hand, after which it undergoes a mandatory technical inspection. Every car in the garage is inspected daily and tested twice a month.

After a major check, the car must be tested by someone from the management of the GON, and only after that the driver gets behind the wheel.

There are no special-purpose cars in the Garage that left the assembly line. And every detail of the new machine is tested on special equipment. There is a passport for any assembly or part, where it is indicated by whom and when they were made. Repair and maintenance are organized very clearly, as in aviation - each part has its own service life: by mileage, by years, and when this period expires, regardless of the technical condition, it is replaced with a new one. Mechanics are legally responsible for each turn of the wrench, which is recorded in a special log. He unscrewed the nut - signed it, tightened it - also signed it. The car cannot remain unguarded or without a driver for a single minute. If, in special cases, it is sent to a workshop for repair, all work is carried out under the control of the driver. And in any case, after returning the car, they check it again.

Each machine is polished once a week and hand washed daily. It so happened that only women are entrusted with this work.

Among the vehicles in the garage, there are physical protection units specially equipped for officers. They have a slightly elongated body so that an armed guard is not constrained in his movements, a forced engine, a rear door that leans back for firing, or, as in ZIL, a rear window. The salon is equipped with small hard seats. In which particular car the guards will be located, the relevant heads of the FSO decide based on the characteristics of the upcoming event.

Of those who are now commonly referred to as "objects of state protection", today No. 1 Putin, No. 2 Kasyanov, and in total, in accordance with Russian law, there are eight such objects. The rest are served by GON in accordance with the President's order.

An ordinary presidential procession includes five cars. One main - "Pullman", which is surrounded by two mobile security vehicles, one communication vehicle, and there may be one more reserve. The president's car can be accompanied by off-road vehicles, such as Mercedes E-420.

A government cortege, in which several cars move almost simultaneously at high speed, at a distance of less than a meter from each other, can be trusted by no means to every extra-class driver. In addition to the complex science of acceleration, braking and rebuilding, the driver also undergoes psychological training, learning not to be afraid of any extreme situations.

During the first official visit to Russia of the new President of Yugoslavia, Vojislav Kostunica, when his cortege was leaving the airport, the driver of the "nine", driving in the oncoming lane, where traffic was not blocked, lost control. In a place where there was a slight narrowing of the road, it seemed to the elderly driver that the traffic police cars were moving straight at him. Bewildered, he braked sharply, the car turned around and ran right into the car in which the Yugoslav President and Russian Foreign Minister Igor Sergeevich Ivanov were traveling. And the "nine" was carrying several concrete slabs to the dacha, with which the paths are usually lined. The driver of the escort car, an officer of the GON, put his car under attack, and did it so carefully that everyone remained alive, and the cortege proceeded without stopping to the guest's Kremlin residence.

There were many such cases. In 1942, on Red Square, the driver of People's Commissar Anastas Ivanovich Mikoyan masterfully stole the car from the shelling. As it turned out later, the terrorist was convinced that he was shooting at Stalin's car. I have already spoken about the 1969 assassination attempt on Brezhnev.

A race driver has a colossal responsibility: he has no right to get into an accident even through someone else's fault. In addition to safety, he must provide maximum comfort for the “object of state protection” sitting behind him. And since he can only feel the car with his back, it is very important that the driver's body is in maximum contact with the seat. Every GON driver constantly carries a Makarov pistol.

Of course, the salary here does not correspond well to the driver's qualifications, and it often happens that a well-educated and trained specialist is lured away by commercial structures, offering him a lot of money. So personnel officers have to constantly look for people for GON. This is usually done on the basis of the transport department of the Federal Security Service. At the same time, attention is also paid to appearance and age: special training takes at least five years. However, do not think that they take mostly young people. One “protected person” must have three drivers. For each statesman, they try to select psychologically compatible, pleasant drivers, preferably of different ages. One of Yeltsin's drivers was 50, another - under 40, and the third - a little over 30. Almost all drivers of the GON have a technical education, many graduated from the Academy of the FSB (formerly the Higher School of the KGB). They must be in excellent health and report daily on how they feel.

The GON does not have its own autodrome, so the Kremlin drivers work out their training programs at Khodynka field in any weather. There they are taught everything at once: from the ability to sit behind the wheel to techniques with which you can get away from the shelling or ram through a vehicle that impedes movement. Since the Federal Security Service does not yet have the opportunity to provide real targets for rams, it has an agreement with the BMW concern, and from time to time, Kremlin drivers train at Bavarian autodromes, where they turn experimental samples that have just rolled off the assembly line into scrap metal.

The first cars in the GON, of course, were foreign cars. Lenin preferred the English Rolls-Royces, of which he had two, a summer and a winter model. At one time, the winter one at the Putilov factory was equipped with skis so that it could move on winter impassability. This car is now in excellent condition in the Gorki Leninskiye Museum-Reserve, and it is quite possible to drive it. In the 1930s, Buicks were mostly in the Kremlin garage, then Packards. After the war, the GON was equipped with ZIS-110 vehicles, which for the first time were equipped with radio communications. After them, the ZIS-111 and ZIS-115 appeared with special body protection. Under Brezhnev, there were cars ZIL-114, ZIL-115, ZIL-117, known to all "seagulls" - GAZ-14 and "Volga" GAZ-ZYU2.

By the way, the last Russian Emperor Nikolai I was very fond of technology, in particular cars, and kept garages in the Winter Palace and Tsarskoe Selo. The tsar's favorite car was a 1912 French Delaunay Belleville. It was an executive car of the highest class, one of the most luxurious cars, highly valued by connoisseurs.

The main place in the Kremlin garage today is occupied by a Mercedes, from class E to minibuses. The second largest is ZIL, but the Likhachev Automobile Plant has not been supplying new ZILs for a long time.

It is impossible to concentrate the entire fleet in the Kremlin. GON is located today not only in the former royal stables at the Borovitsky Gate, but also in the premises under the Bolshoy Kamenny and Krymsky bridges, where reserve cars are located.

In the Kremlin garage, in addition to the rest room, there is a history room, where the coat of arms of GON carved from wood is kept: ZIL, leaving the Kremlin gates, against the backdrop of a Chekist shield. The Gonovites also have their own anthem, composed by the composer Georgy Movsesyan to the words of the songwriter Felix Laube.

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